


Silence

by KatieWrites



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Silence, Soft Eddie, bad things happen, first fic on here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22042192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieWrites/pseuds/KatieWrites
Summary: "My best wasn't good enough, like always. I watched her bleed out, Eddie, and I didn't do anything to stop it!"Eddie's hand clasped at the back of Buck's neck. He pulled Buck down enough for their foreheads to meet. "Buck-Evan, I would have lost her too. She was dead the moment she hit the cement. There was nothing you could have done to prevent that.""I should have been better," he whispered out brokenly.-------Buck has a hard day at work and Eddie helps him through it.
Relationships: Buddie - Relationship, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 232





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is my first fic on here. I hope y'all enjoy. Please let me know what you like about it and what you think I could do better!

The silence was deafening. It seemed as if everything was moving in slow motion. Each time Buck closed his eyes, it seemed harder and harder to open them again. He wondered if this was the blissful nothingness people described after having near death experiences. All around him there was commotion. He wanted to call out, get someone's attention, but all he could do was stand there. 

A hand on his shoulder had him slowly turning to face the person it belonged to. Eddie. He could see Eddie's mouth moving, but all he could hear was the silence. Slowly, Buck looked away from Eddie and at the destruction of the fire. He could feel the little girl's grip on him again. He could feel the tremble in her body as he carried her through the burning building. The weightlessness came back, and he found himself reliving it. The feeling of losing his grip on the young girl. The feeling of the cement as he crashed into it. The scream from the girl being abruptly cut off. Seeing the blood seep from her body and onto the gray cement.

Then the world snapped back into action. Everything came back at once: sound, smell, movement...everything. Eddie was still trying to get his attention, but it was all too much. His hands came to cover his ears and his eyes squeezed shut. It was like he was experiencing sensory overload. 

He could feel himself being guided away from the chaos, but he didn't bother opening his eyes. He knew that Eddie would be the one leading him and he trusted him to lead him. 

Soon the sounds faded and Buck could think. Slowly, he opened his eyes. He could make out the inside of the fire truck. Eddie was directly next to him, soft words being shared as he rubbed Buck's back. It was only then that he realized he was crying. A sob exited his mouth and he covered it with his hand. "I-I-She just-Eddie, I k-killed her!"

Firm hands turned his shoulders and he was face to face with Eddie. "Evan Buckley, you didn't kill that girl. You couldn't control the floor giving. This is not your fault." He held Buck's chin and raised his eyes to meet Eddie's. "Listen to me. Evan, this is not your fault. You did your best."

"My best wasn't good enough, like always. I watched her bleed out Eddie, and I didn't do anything to stop it!"

Eddie's hand clasped at the back of Buck's neck. He pulled Buck down enough for their foreheads to meet. "Buck-Evan, I would have lost her too. She was dead the moment she hit the cement. There was nothing you could have done to prevent that."

"I should have been better," he whispered out brokenly.

The first tear fell from Eddie's eyes. He had been there before. The feeling of not being good enough to save someone. Not being able to see that there was nothing he could have done differently. He hated that he couldn't get through to Buck. He never wanted to see Buck this distraught. He hated not being able to help Buck. He just wanted to take away his pain. He'd give anything to wipe that pain and sorrow off of Buck's face. "Mi corazon, I know you can't see it now, but there was nothing you could do. I'm sorry you had to go through this."

* * *

Buck went through the day to day motions. After that fateful call, Buck had three days off. He ignored all forms of communication. When people came knocking, he burrowed into his bed and pretended that he couldn't hear the insistant knocks. For those who had keys, he would hide in the bathroom until they gave up and left. 

The most persistant out of those who came to see him was Eddie. It took Eddie _hours_ to leave. He even threatened to break down the bathroom door. So far, he had yet to follow through with the threat. 

Currently Buck was hiding out in his bathroom. "C'mon man. Buck, please open the door." Buck laid his head against the door. He wished Eddie would leave him alone. He didn't deserve the attention Eddie devoted to him.

"Bucky," the voice was hesitant. That had Buck sitting up straighter. "Please, we're worried about you."

Buck bit his lip. He couldn't just ignore Christopher. He slowly stood up, forehead resting on the door as Christopher's pleas filled his head. Before he could overthink, he unlocked the door and slowly opened it. Eddie and Chris stood just outside the door. He plastered a smile on his face for Christopher's ske. "Hey bud. Aren't you supposed to be in school? It's Monday." He avoided looking at Eddie. 

"We don't have school today, it's Labor day, Buck." Buck nodded to himself. That made sense. "Are you hungry? We brought soup because Daddy said you weren't feeling well."

Buck licked his lips, nodding slightly. He'd do whatever Chris wanted him to. He cared more about Chris' happiness than his own. 

They made their way downstairs as Eddie worked on warming up the soup. Chris talked excitedly about a school project he was working on. Eddie was making comment here and there about some ideas Chris could do in his project. It was almost like everything was normal. He stared at the two of them, they were acting like nothing was wrong. They were acting like this was just any other time they'd hang out. How could they act like everything was normal? How could Eddie act like Buck hadn't just killed a kid two days prior? How could he have brought Christopher to his home knowing that Buck had killed a girl only a year or two older than Chris? 

"Why," his voice cracked as the emotions built up. He was looking directly at Eddie. He need to know why. 

Eddie looked to Chris and then Buck. He knew exactly what Buck was asking. "It wasn't your fault, Evan," he responded as if it was the simplest thing in the world. 

Buck shook his head, a scoff leaving his mouth as he stared at Eddie with utter disbelief. "I should have been faster, Eddie. I should have gotten her out. I should have saved her. I didn't and you're acting as if I've done nothing wrong! _There is one less child in the world because of me_. What if that had been Christopher? Would you still be telling me that it wasn't my fault?" 

Eddie stared at him and without looking away, he spoke to Chris. "Mijo, why don't you go pick something to watch on the television? Buck and I need to talk." Christopher didn't respond, but he could hear the crutches going towards his couch. "It was out of your control Buck. There was nothing you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. Every avenue to get out of that building was blocked except the one you took. We knew that the fire had weakened the infrastructure, but we couldn't have known how much. You both fell. You both were hurt. There was nothing you could have done for her. You gave it your best. She knew that. You know that. We all know. Yes, she's dead, but that's only because it was her time. Is that a harsh truth? Yes...but that doesn't mean that you can blame yourself, Evan. Would you blame me if I had been in your situation? Would you say that I killed her?"

Tears had quickly built up in Buck's eyes. Logically, he knew that he couldn't have done anything different. Logically, he did his best...but there was still a dead little girl and a grieving family. Who else was to blame but himself? "You would have gotten her out," he knew that it was a weak play, but he couldn't just accept Eddie's words. He had watched a girl die. He'd been a part in that girl's death. 

"No, I wouldn't have. I would have done everything you did and she probably still would have died." Eddie took a breath, placing a hand on the back of Buck's neck. Buck hadn't realized that Eddie had moved closer while they were talking. "Evan. We can't predict what will happen when we enter a building. We can't predict the outcome of calls. We can't blame ourselves for what happens unless we actually do something not written in the play books and it goes horribly wrong. You followed the rules of the books to the T. You did everything right...sometimes it still all goes to hell. You know that...you've given me this very talk before. So...break down, cry, feel bad for what happened, but start to heal. Start to accept that it wasn't your fault, because it wasn't. Feel bad for the loss, but keep going."

Eddie reached over, wiping the tears that had fallen. Buck closed his eyes and just leaned into the hand on his cheek. "I don't know how," he finally whispered.

"I'll be by your side everyday showing you how," Eddie whispered back, placing a kiss on his forehead. "For now, let's eat this delicious soup and see what Chris has chosen for us to watch. Ten buck says that it's _The Lion King_."

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of a crappy ending, but I wasn't sure exactly how to end it. Please let me know what you think!
> 
> -Katie


End file.
